I Phone, I Text, I Poop, I Sleep

Pop culture, who needs it?

I often wonder where we as a society are going. When I watch the mind numbing addiction to text messaging I think we are doomed to  extinction. Never in the history of Man has so many wasted so much time doing so little. Do we really need to know the inner workings of your dogs bowel movements or that the line at Starbucks is making you late for your Flagellators Anonymous Meeting. Text messaging is a convenient way to indirectly blow people off.  One other thing…  if your significant other will not speak to you while they’re away and only communicate via text message, Sorry buddy your relationship is toast.  Move on to someone who cares.  Think about it.  Your long distance virtual lover can not afford to utter the style cramping “I love you, too sweetie pie,” out loud for fear she will expose the other prospective, more immediate bed-mate and lessen her chances of scoring.  Now, gentle reader, I will do you a great favor and explain some of more common text message short hand to those of you who aren’t “in the know.” Here’s one: When your girlfriend texts, “Held up, B home soon.” What she’s really saying is “I’ll be another 3 hrs. I have to get through the first 3 chapters of the Karma Sutra with my Boss.  I need that promotion so I can go on my annual nudist adventure with a bunch of strange bikers in June.”  Here is another classic euphemism sent via text message. “@ a friends house. B home n 2hrs.” Which translates verbally into, “I’m at the titty bar.  I’ll be home when I run out of money.” Or this classic, “ OMG, I’m like so totally sick I’m staying home!” Which translates into, “Your lameness is only surpassed by your bad breath, I rather stay at home and braid my crotch hairs then go somewhere with you.” I have many more examples in my book “Text Messaging Demystified.” In the end, one must look at any so called “friends” who text message you almost exclusively as full of shit.  Never trust them, I don’t.  And, remember to return the favor by sending them complete fictional accounts of the amazing time you’re having with Tom Cruise’s dog, L Ron Spot.